My front porch is overrun with these things

"Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo" (thetomselleck) 10/26/2014 at 23:43 • Filed to: spider

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For the uninitiated, this is the a type of !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

Though they are lesser compared to the "real" black widow, their bites are still said to be very, very nasty. I highly suggest you not use google images, and enter "false black widow bite." That's the last thing I would do. To suggest to do the thing I just mentioned.

This one was about a 50-cent piece's legspan, though I've found one much larger in my shed last year.

Anyway, I removed a rotted board that had been a free rodent access for a while, and about 12 of these little buddies just crawled out all over.

Here's a vehicle for your time:

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 10/26/2014 at 23:55

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Fuck, man. Fuck. I should've listen. I should've fuckin' listened. How the hell am I supposed to sleep now, man? How am I supposed to sleep with that goddamn image burnt into my head. Shit. I should've fuckin' listened.

shop-teacher > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 10/26/2014 at 23:59

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That would freak the hell out of me.

RickyD > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 10/27/2014 at 00:00

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There should be spider insurance on houses. You should be able to walk into your insurance provider and just say "Btw, look at what is at my house"...Alright sir, just sign here and we will summon a napalm strike on the general vicinity. We are sorry for your loss.

LappingLuke > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 10/27/2014 at 00:14

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Ugghhhhh those pictures of bites were awfulllll why didn't you tell us not to look?? This is exactly why all spiders can go fuck themselves.

BoulderZ > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 10/27/2014 at 00:19

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Time to treat the deck. Thompson's, or paint, or, ya know, maybe this:

Dusty Ventures > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 10/27/2014 at 00:33

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Ignores warning.

Looks up fake black widow bites.

Is clearly not right in the head.

nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 10/27/2014 at 00:39

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On a similar note I was at my parent house tonight and felt an itch/bite on my arm. Upon closer inspection there was some bug trying to borrow its way into my arm. I smacked it away with appropriate girlish vampire shriek. 20 mins later it looks like I have 4 modqiotot bites. Not cool.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul 10/27/2014 at 00:41

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What the hell did it look like? Was it a spider?

nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 10/27/2014 at 00:47

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Small mosquito sized beatle thing with predominant front mandibles. It looked like it was digging for glory in my arm. I then swatted it away with a holy vengeance and myparents's dog ate it.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul 10/27/2014 at 00:49

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Hmm sounds like you should just chop off your arm in case babies hatch out of that old wound and devour your family and pets one day.

nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 10/27/2014 at 01:00

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Already lopped off my arm and set fire to my home. YwYw it's burning nicely but iI feel a subtle itching.. an itching you'd feel is if there were babies behind my eye!!

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 10/27/2014 at 01:44

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What part of the world do you live in? Because I am never going there.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > AMGtech - now with more recalls! 10/27/2014 at 01:55

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Western Washington. Anything touching the ground for more than fifty minutes will, without fail, have a spider living under it. You should have seen the amount of house spiders living in my garden pallets. They get pretty big too. Fast as hell.

Or perhaps you'd be willing to grab my hammer out of the shed — if you make it past the cellar spiders guarding every square inch.

Oh thanks friend. Say, would you be willing to pick that bottlecap off the ground? Oh, something was under there? I hope it didn't bite you!

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 10/27/2014 at 09:54

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Well the joke is on me then! I live in Oregon! But I don't recall ever seeing one of these or having quite the spider problem you seem to have. But I've only lived here for six years.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul 10/29/2016 at 02:12

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Tick! I fucking hate ticks. Those little bastards find me constantly when I go anywhere they live. I swear they’re attracted to me like ants to sugar.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) 07/10/2017 at 00:35

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Well I listened...